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1. Never pretend to be something you're not. Everyone knows you are a 70 pound lap-dog, so don't pretend
that you are not...
2. If your people won't let you on the bed, cry, whine and look pathetic
until they do. If they still don't, jump directly on vulnerable parts when they are sleeping...
3. If they try to move you, be stubborn; dig in your heels. If they do move you, refer to rule 2...
4. Always sit where everyone is, and if they are in the same place, like
the couch or bed, make sure to plop yourself in between them, and DO NOT MOVE...
5. Make sure to always go for the most comfortable couch in the house...even if it is already occupied (refer
also to rule 4). Same thing goes for favorite laps...
6. Take naps, and always stretch before rising. If you are napping in someone's
lap, make sure that at least one outstretched paw contacts a particularly vulnerable point on the lap-ee's body...
7. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit in his or her lap if possible, and fall asleep. Be sure
to position yourself so that you must be supported not to fall. The effort of hanging on to a completely relaxed, sleeping
60 pound dog will soon take their mind off their other problems...
8. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Touch them too: jump on them, slobber on them; force your
attentions on them if necessary. Never let any lap go unused...
9. If someone seems to not want to be friends, follow them around, stare
at them, bark at them, and/or cry. If they are sitting, sit directly on them, and lick them until they can't breath...
10. Never miss the opportunity to cuddle with a loved one...
11. Be loyal. Never leave Mommy's or Daddy's side. If Mommy is washing dishes,
lie down directly behind her so she doesn't see you and trips over you. Ditto if she is brushing her teeth. Lie directly behind
Daddy's chair at dinner. If he bumps you trying to get up, look pathetic, you may gain a sympathy treat...
12. Act as silly as you can when you do something wrong: curl up, wiggle your butt, and you should get away
with it. The trick is to make them laugh...
13. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them with tail in overdrive and a leash in your mouth...
14. If you have a stick or toy in your mouth, automatically switch to super
overdrive, and be compelled to run around like you are insane...
15. Let others know when they've invaded your territory by finding the nearest ball/bone/kong to carry in
your mouth while wagging your tail ferociously...
16. Work that tongue of yours...let them come close enough and then surprise them with a lick "snake-style"
right on the mouth!...
17. Be excessive: If you are asked to get a stick, bring back a tree; if asked for a kiss, drench face...
18. If you want to add a little extra excitement to your life: chase something;
a cat, squirrel, rabbit. See how your people come running and yelling. Porcupines and skunks work exceptionally well, too.
But, don't ever catch them. You'll end up in a bath or at the vet...
19. Baths are always bad, unless someone is already in there, or it's with the hose or water gun...
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| This is no way to get wet |
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| Playing is such hard work |
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| Now, THIS is how to get wet |
20. On hot days:
a) drink lots of water;
b) lie in the full sun and fall asleep;
c) play in the
sprinkler be sure to get as wet as possible,
d) repeat a & b...
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| Forget him. Mommy's home. |
21. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience, keeping a keen eye on the hand that holds the treat.
Unless, of course there is something more interesting within 100 yards. Then ignore everyone and focus entirely on the more
interesting person/dog/thing to the point of reaching a trance state...
22. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Keep in mind that there are not creatures behind each and
every bush, birds will fly away, squirrels are generally disposed to stay in trees, and fire hydrants and snowmen do not generally
care about dogs...
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| Small furry things go down there |
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| Checking today's Pee-Mail |
23. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. Allow it to be of such pure ecstasy, it prompts
copious amounts of drool for all car interiors - windows/upholstery...
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| It's mine! No, it's mine! |
24. Go crazy - Run, romp, and play with housemates, making sure to form a high speed chase, jumping on and
over furniture and each other...
25. Avoid biting or growling at all costs. Instead wiggle your butt until you fall down...
26. When you are happy, grab a ball/bone/kong and wiggle your butt furiously, while hitting your sister/brother
in the face with your tail...
27. No matter how often you may be criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Come out from wherever
you are hiding and make friends (refer to rules 1 through 26).
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| Give the camera a rest, okay? |
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